Thursday, August 12, 2004

Beware the Grey Goose

'Twas yet another uneventful evening on Lowden Ave. Dan, Tyler and Polly were playing a rather uninspired game of Scrabble when the sound of clanking glass was heard emanating from the kitchen. Confused, Tyler looked at Dan, tilted his head, contorted his face and scrunched his eyes.

"Do we have mice again?" Dan inquired.

The trio returned to their game, but minutes later, more sounds could be heard coming from the kitchen. As Polly placed "dun" (a color ranging from almost neutral brownish gray to dull grayish brown) on the board, Tyler embarked on his search and destroy mission.


For months, the vision of rodents infested Tyler's head. In addition to the mice that were making the kitchen their home, squirrels had taken a liking to the space between the second floor. One minute, mice could be seen scampering across the kitchen floor; the next minute squirrels could be heard running overhead.

It was enough to drive a man insane.

Tyler tried to keep his cool, but a deep hatred--spurred on by his difficulty catching the dastardly creatures--was simmering just beneath the surface. While he generally experienced a fair amount of success trapping the rodents, each battle sapped an untold amount of energy from Tyler's mind and body. For a time, it looked as though the rodents might win the war. But the sticky traps finally began to work their magic and the landlord came to the rescue, finally patching the hole in the side of the house. The war appeared to be over, with Tyler emerging victorious, but battered.

Now, several months later, the mice were back.


As Tyler entered the kitchen, he eyed up the two recycling bins and exclaimed, "He's right here!" The warrior poked around at the paper bin, discovering nothing. Then he poked around at the glass bin. There was the mouse, idiotically trapped inside the deep container.

The blood rushing to his eyes, the furor inhabiting his body, the warrior--in a rare position of obvious and overwhelming power--grabbed a broom. Immediately, Tyler began stabbing at the mouse, but to no avail. It quickly became apparent that the mouse hadn't simply trapped himself in a woefully precarious position. He was also surrounded by a plethora of killing tools.

Tyler grabbed an empty Spaten beer bottle and began to violently swing it in the mouse's direction. The bottle shattered. The mouse, realizing his life was about to end, desperately tried to leap out of the bin. But the walls were simply too high for the tiny rodent.

After the Spaten bottle broke, the warrior discovered a far better instrument of death--a Grey Goose vodka bottle. This was no ordinary bottle. It's base, consisting of an inch of solid glass, was made for crushing small critters. Like he did with the broom, Tyler stabbed at the mouse. Finally, after several attempts, he struck the creature, crushing the lower half of its body. Its hind right leg broken and its guts spilling out...the enemy was dead.

The adrenaline rushing through his body, the victor proudly admired his efforts, staring at the mouse carcass for a minute. After Tyler returned to the Scrabble board, Polly suggested that leaving the dead body in the recycling bin might be a bad idea. And so the warrior returned to the site of his grand triumph, scooping the carcass with a yogurt container and placing it in a ziploc bag, which was taken outside and dumped into the trash.

Despite his joy, Tyler could not help but wonder if more mice were to be found. And if so, surely the next battle would not be so easy.


At 1:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

he killed mickey! bastard!


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